Well Im back at it after self sabotaging, reflecting and attempting to heal a stomach that decided it no longer wanted to digest food. I also have been through the ringer not only spiritually but physically. Ok actually let me rewind a bit and allow me to explain how I got to where I am right now in this exact moment, in this whole weight loss journey and self discovery thing.
Back on March 31st 2017 I started a ketogenic diet. I was finally fed up with feeling like crap and after a cake friend introduced me to ketones I decided why the heck not? My other and final option was to fly down to Mexico and get the surgery that would forever take a piece of me. And something about THAT just didn’t feel right. I was desperate and at my lowest. I remember thinking I would much rather die than live inside this prison that I have created for myself. I needed freedom and well I was hopeful THIS was finally the key that unlocked my living hell.
Fast forward 3 months and not only have I lost weight, I was feeling great. My body no longer hurt and I was sleeping great and having so much energy. I was tasting little by little freedom again…yes again. Sadly I have been down this road too many times before. Weighing in at my highest at 425 and dropping to my lowest of 298. This 100 plus pounds is honestly pretty easy for me to loose, but once I reach this certain weight and receive this attention I quickly find it back.
It usually finds itself back up on my body rather quickly. So I was excited, but still remained fearful and not TO excited
Well then 6 months(100 pounds lost) came and heck its been the longest that I have stuck to any new lifestyle change in my entire life. Trust me, I have 20 years experience doing this. So in all honesty I was for the first time mega proud of myself. And for the first time truly believed that there was light at the end of the tunnel, or better yet, the cobblestone of these prison walls have begun to weaken and stone by stone I began to tear these walls down. Well thats where it got interesting.
I was in Vegas with my friend at a Pruvit seminar and I was rushed to The ER due to chest pains out of no where. I started to develop this body rash, chest pains when I ate, when I didn’t eat. My friend sent me to Zoom care because no matter what I did I couldn’t stop itching, to the point I had to sleep with my hands inside a bowl of water. I would wake up the next morning and my bed sheets would be bloody because I would scratch myself raw while I slept. Do you know how mentally exhausting it was to constantly be itching, to this day I have scars from it. I got blood work back and it said I had excessive amounts of calcium in my blood which indicated a gland issue. So more blood work and then it showing that I was completely fine but the itch remained. My hair started falling out. I just remember crying myself to sleep almost every single night. I remember at one point crying/ yelling asking God WHERE ARE YOU?
Just as I was on a roll and finally loosing my weight, a huge wall was before me and I didn’t know what to do. Then at a cake show I fell and fractured my ankle, I was there for work and I still had to work. I worked a 14 hour day in so much pain I hardly remember what I was doing or the people I met. To top that off as soon as we landed we ran straight for about 2 weeks working long days because we were filming for a new Food Network show and there wasn’t any time to just rest. My mental strength began to weaken and I just wanted to give up. Who am I kidding, I did give up, but just a little. Fast forward a few months and the diagnoses I received from the doctors was that possibly from loosing weight so fast it confused my stomach. But not to quit Keto and they didn’t believe Keto was the result. It could also be due to the large meals I would eat at one setting and finally it was just catching up to me. To this day I can not eat more than a few ounces of red meat and shouldn’t eat 6 hours before I lay down, otherwise I wake up needing to vomit because my food is fermenting and I become bloated.
Deep down somewhere deep and dark… I had this thought that I was terrified to actually be at my goal weight, to actually be successful, but why? As a little girl I was always the chubby one and I wished so much to just be normal(weight). So on top of all the physical issues my mental clarity started to get foggy. I began to doubt EVERYTHING. And well I fell off the keto train. In my mind I could only be successful doing keto if I could fast. And now I no longer can fast because I have to eat every 2 hour to hopefully fix my gut. SO that was my ticket(excuse) out. Then out of no where I was visiting teaching and the lady I was speaking to, got this prompting to ask me about my stomach. I told her what was going on and she said that it sounded like a vitamin B deficiency and what I needed to do was increase my dark leafy greens, reduce red meat and eat every two hours but just a few mouthfuls of food. Well I know from personal experience that if God gives you a prompting, you better follow through. So I listened to her, but also gave in and cheated.
During this time I really was leaning hard on my faith. I forgot to mention that I recently moved in the middle of all this. I left my hometown and a stable place that I lived for over 13 years. This was a year after I closed my bakery( another story) and felt that it was time for me to leave. I wanted to start fresh and truly go for my dream(healthy weight). The bakery helped me believe for the first time that I was strong enough and fully capable. I also got the strong prompting that in order for me to progress in my journey I needed to leave where I was most comfortable. Well with that brought some fear and it was the moment that I had to exercise my faith like never before. I knew that God was pulling me and I had to just make that leap. Deep down I knew that my next big thing, was going to be finding myself and co-creating my next big chapter with GOD. For this is how I will have my reassurance and strength to endure. I KNOW that for certain.
The funny thing about personal progress and progression is that once you start you better be ready. You begin to uncover things that you never knew where buried and you begin to view yourself and your situation through eyes that you never realized were yours, and thats what happened. Through these times of trial I turned to God for guidance and strength. I didn’t understand why my life suddenly seemed to be falling apart and WHY I began to self sabotage myself. But I kept digging and I kept searching and I kept exercising my faith.
Well after a few months of struggle. I believe I got a few great answers and I ran with them. So let me break it down for you quickly as possible. 8 years ago I was an addict. Well an active USING addict. From prescription pills, to cigarettes to meth. Whatever I could get my hands on I would. I was on a mission of self medicating and to numb myself while attempting to fill this void within myself, and I was great at it. After loosing custody of my son for 30 days and a failed attempt at suicide, I prayed for a change. I prayed even tho I wasn’t sure there even was a God. I just knew that I loved my son way to much to keep doing this to him. It was all for him. Non of my change ever began for myself. I didn’t even like seeing that reflection in the mirror why on earth would I change for it.
Well God is so good. Shortly after he started placing people in my life and gave me strength, and fear of loosing my home probably played a good part too. lol And I began to slowly eliminate the negative in my life. Thats when my son asked if we could go to church with is friend and after a few weeks of him asking I finally gave in ( thats a whole other story, too )
Well before I would get baptized I had to quit drugs and smoking. I did that. I still had my medical marijuana card with approval from my bishop because at that time I did still experience back pain and I was clean off of pain meds for a year and wasn’t going back to that. The only reason I share this is to show you this cycle that just became super clear to me. My addiction began as a small child to food, progressed to drugs as I got older went back to food when I got clean, but during this whole time I still used marijuana as a crutch. I didn’t drink, smoke cigarettes and with years ago approval I used it(pot). Until recently I got this prompting and with stomach issues( cant be getting the munchies when you are trying to loose weight with a stomach that doesn’t digest food very well can ya?) LOL. the prompting was that it was time to give that up now too. Just as I was getting my food addiction under control.Well you can guess what happened. I started to medicate myself with food AGAIN and this is where I realized that my addiction went full circle and I now see myself facing it dead on and needing to make that decision to address it and work through it, FOR GOOD. Food has ALWAYS been my root addiction, I have been self medicating and I became an addict at 9 years old.
So I let go of my crutch and I let go of turning to food. I realize now this is my biggest monster to face, and when I feel the need to self medicate, I know that I need to pause and dig a little deeper to see where that is ACTUALLY coming from. I am now learning to cope and deal with emotions, question myself WHY when I feel the need to use food to comfort me…THIS IS MY JOURNEY. It is not only about what I put in my mouth, but what I allow in my mind.
So to replace the food and the pot, I decided to blog. To express myself through my fingertips and to just get it out. THIS is how you are here, reading my crazy thoughts and going along this crazy journey with me. This journey is so much more that pounds lost and found again. It about me truly becoming free, experiencing life as a 400 pound, 300 pound 200 pound and eventually a healthy weight woman. Its about me learning to not only Love God and trust him, but learning to love and trust myself. Its about forgiveness, grace and finding my power. Its about looking in the mirror and loving the reflection staring back at me. It about doing better, being better and giving better. At the end of the day, it is about breaking free from this prison and truly TRULY experiencing FREEDOM. I am beyond excited to meet my future self. To see what I like, how I look, how I love and to witness much I will grow. Mostly I am excited for truly loving myself and not allowing my past and my mistakes dictate my joy.This is me… Finding MY Michelle…